When people don't love themselves

I hurt when I witness people doing things that hurt themselves. Smoking, drinking... It's as if they feel they don't deserve any better, that they deserve to hurt, to fall sick and die of disease. Why do people punish themselves this way? I'm no saint, I too hurt myself at times, I just believe I know what I'm doing. Sometimes, pain is the way to a deeper understanding of life. But sometimes, it becomes addictive, in the battle for attention, self-victimisation, people begin to believe that that's the end of the search. I find it hard to witness self-abuse, no matter how self-justified... it hurts me, a deep aching dull pain in the chest. When I see a wretched person, people who let themselves wallow, and believe it is their end... I hurt. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
I want to live in greater awareness. I want to actualise my dreams and fantasies. I want to have lots of money, and financial stability. I want to be able to help others live in beauty, and compassion. I want it all, not just for myself... but these material things will help me help others. How else am I to be, if I were to lead by example? Yet, my will is strong when I'm alone. Could a lover really be the answer?

Today, Jason asked why I don't "look" for a partner. I didn't know how to answer. I usually have an answer for these questions. But for that moment, I didn't know why I don't look. Thinking back, I must be too afraid of rejection. I must have convinced myself somewhere in the past that I deserve to be alone and without a lover. But it's not that I do not fabtasize about having one... just that he must be nice to look at, intelligent, with the japanese str8 boy appeal that I'd grown so accustomed to. I find myself finding people I used to find attractive, no longer attractive as I find out about their other traits, their thought process. Sometimes I worry we may have bad company. They all seemed so innocent, but I no longer think they really are. Maybe I really don't know what i really want. When Will is here, I didn't like it that much. I'm not comfortable with some aspects of his looks and dressing. In fact, he has the body and dressed like a bitchy person I used to dislike. That person was bitter and nasty. Though Will hasn't shown that side, I can't help seeing those traits in his body and dress sense. But it's nice to have someone care for you. Made me feel like I was precious, like when Jermyn was nice to me. It scares me to think I might be entering a long-term partnership with another person that I'm not fully comfortable with. I'm just too afraid to make my choices, and make mistakes.
What I had envisioned is myself living beautifully, living a beautiful life with beautiful friends. But I often see myself alone, like in the 10 of pentacles. I am the one who is blissed, and blissed even when alone. I see relationships as a kind of shackle. It chains you to obligations, and stops you from living for yourself. Though it's not as bad as having children. When people have children, their own lives are starting to end. It's part of nature. After inseminating, the male dies knowing he lives on in his genes in his child. The mothers are expected to sacrifice for their children. For goodness' sake, it's an instinctual thing. All mothers would do anything for their child. In a way, she stops living... for herself, and only lives on for the child.
I see myself surrounded by kind and good friends and people. I don't care what I've given, because I know I would have benefited many many in many ways. A life of beauty and gentle love, for me.