The birthday week

was not nice. Things didn't go my way, probably because I was already feeling out of sorts after CTC didn't call back for the film assignment. To add to that, Matthew has made me irritated once again. No doubt, he was busy, but that expectation that I would be ok with his curt reasoning, and expectation of me being free, and so would be there to help him... I felt disrespected. Adrian wasn't there to celebrate my birthday... he didn't know, but I took this as a sign. One of the last straws was the swatch strap that got ruined because the woman at the shop didn't quite know how to put in two piece to the strap. On my birthday, I went to the shop, already prepared to get angry, but also prepared to forgive.

So my lesson on this birthday this year, is forgiveness. I must remember my task, and this is one big strong knock on my head from destiny. I choose to forgive the swatch woman, because she was sincere. Even if that anger took several days to subside, that watch is now a reminder to mindfulness.

I also wasn't sure if this miserable depression was chemical, I don't remember feeling this awful for a long time. I felt dejected, unwanted and useless. I had no job, my money was running out, and Adrian's a big part in bringing to surface these feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and inefficiency. Why am I, a 33 year old still riding busses while this 28 year old is driving? Why do I have to rethink and rethink my option when I'm interested to buy those sample libraries and softwares? I felt poor. If I had gone out with anyone else except Adrian, I would have been an energy-drainer. I can't be that. So I spent my birthday alone, except that I was home, my mother and sis were at home, but I was irritated by them too... I pretty much spent the whole day locked in my room. And yes, I rejected Matthew's calls because I didn't want to talk to him. When I think of him, I can't help but imagine what the heck he sometimes takes me for. It's starting to seem clearer to me, that he doesn't respect me. I have chosen to swallow these, and consume these as my way of accepting people, and offering my love and service. That's my birthday lesson, eat it up, forgive them for their bad judgments, be humble and I should see the beauty arise from them afterwards.
I am getting stronger, at the same time, I feel like I need some new friends yet again. I don't wish to be stuck with people who don't respect me, and lie. I also need more discipline. My life's personal projects have been littered with projects half-done. Now I'm 33, I desire material stability. I want incredible things to happen. I want to fulfill my responsibilities and reap my rewards. Let me be strong.
It still hurts when I think of those who belittle me, or how things don't work the way I expect them to. Let me recover and understand them and myself. Let me be strong. And rich, affluent, beautiful... Let me be those, and let those join me to show me the path. I need some inspiration.