A feeling of loss

So Jn is going to NS in a couple of weeks. Though he's so much younger than I, I think I like him more than I would like myself to be known to. Sometimes I am surprised by his show of kindness or friendship, as i have often expected him to be a user. That's how I have seen him, generally. He uses me when he needs something. When there's something to gain from me, he gets close and I willingly alow access. He's got so much charm. SO much that, I find it hard to believe he really likes me, as a friend. Examples of this - like that time we aranged to meet, then - no news, and I was unable to contact him that whole day. Incidents like these make me doubt his sincerity. But I always accept him. I keep dreaming of him, perhaps because I often fantasize being with him. That night, I dreamt we were in the toilet together, and I was sitting on the john, he squatting in front of me. We watched each other poop! Bizzarre... Then we climbed up the roof of the toilet, and sat there watching the world. But sadly, we could not find a way down, the roof was too high to jump, and I didn't dare to. I didn't know what to do, and felt so lost. That moment, it felt like he would jump if he chose to, but what hurt me, was that we'd be seperated.

At moments, these 2 days, I feel so lost, sad and lonely. Why are my friends so often unable to be with me, when I most need company? It's sad, now that i think of it. What Do my friends take me for?
Mat only needs me when he's alone, cos he fears loneliness. He like to be with big groups of friends, and have parties. Parties bother me, especially when I don't really have much interest in his friends. His friends are such fearful people, and I feel, insincere. They are so transient, but they always seem to be so warm, I cannot stand the paradox.
Chris, he too doesn't answer my calls, or even reply with a short sms to say "bz". I seldom succeed in asking him out, but almost always go meet him on his request.
Jon, same problem with answering my calls. This problem has been going on since the days of Ang. What have I done to treated like this? By not answering my mother when she asks me questions?
I lose my patience, especially with those I'm close with, like mother and Mat. Since I have known Mat for so long, I can be frank about how I feel about his inattentitiveness. I'm becoming like his mother, and I don't enjoy it. I hate having to ignore his calls, because I know he's walking his dog, or driving, or stuck in a jam, everything except wanting to meet up, or have a real conversation. I don't like phone calls, because I cannot see their eyes. I won't even know if the person is indeed listening. It makes me irritated.

Because of these non-answering phone-calls, I avoided calling people. I sure don't want to be seen as needy, the wanton. I have my pride too, as having a phonecall rejected or unansswered, with no explaination, except the lame "I was busy" which comes a day or two too late, does not help me anymore.

I might have grown critical of those around me, but I always accept when them they are with me.

With Jn, the monstor of jealousy creeps up on me. When he's haven't called for a day or two, and isn't online... I imagine he's with someone else... Found a new girlfriend, maybe, to F and seperate... How can I make him more stable? Less wanting? With me?
Then I imagine he's found a new best friend, Dn, who does what I do, who is currently more popular than I am in the field. He would be good friends with Jn, for they're both str8, and Jn has alot to benefit from Dn. If Dn rejects Jn, Jn would return to me.
That's so bitter of me...

SIgh... times like these, I really would like someone who really cares enough, just to be here and quietly understand. Then, perhaps my fascination for Jn and Chris would end.