When people don't love themselves

I hurt when I witness people doing things that hurt themselves. Smoking, drinking... It's as if they feel they don't deserve any better, that they deserve to hurt, to fall sick and die of disease. Why do people punish themselves this way? I'm no saint, I too hurt myself at times, I just believe I know what I'm doing. Sometimes, pain is the way to a deeper understanding of life. But sometimes, it becomes addictive, in the battle for attention, self-victimisation, people begin to believe that that's the end of the search. I find it hard to witness self-abuse, no matter how self-justified... it hurts me, a deep aching dull pain in the chest. When I see a wretched person, people who let themselves wallow, and believe it is their end... I hurt. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
I want to live in greater awareness. I want to actualise my dreams and fantasies. I want to have lots of money, and financial stability. I want to be able to help others live in beauty, and compassion. I want it all, not just for myself... but these material things will help me help others. How else am I to be, if I were to lead by example? Yet, my will is strong when I'm alone. Could a lover really be the answer?

Today, Jason asked why I don't "look" for a partner. I didn't know how to answer. I usually have an answer for these questions. But for that moment, I didn't know why I don't look. Thinking back, I must be too afraid of rejection. I must have convinced myself somewhere in the past that I deserve to be alone and without a lover. But it's not that I do not fabtasize about having one... just that he must be nice to look at, intelligent, with the japanese str8 boy appeal that I'd grown so accustomed to. I find myself finding people I used to find attractive, no longer attractive as I find out about their other traits, their thought process. Sometimes I worry we may have bad company. They all seemed so innocent, but I no longer think they really are. Maybe I really don't know what i really want. When Will is here, I didn't like it that much. I'm not comfortable with some aspects of his looks and dressing. In fact, he has the body and dressed like a bitchy person I used to dislike. That person was bitter and nasty. Though Will hasn't shown that side, I can't help seeing those traits in his body and dress sense. But it's nice to have someone care for you. Made me feel like I was precious, like when Jermyn was nice to me. It scares me to think I might be entering a long-term partnership with another person that I'm not fully comfortable with. I'm just too afraid to make my choices, and make mistakes.
What I had envisioned is myself living beautifully, living a beautiful life with beautiful friends. But I often see myself alone, like in the 10 of pentacles. I am the one who is blissed, and blissed even when alone. I see relationships as a kind of shackle. It chains you to obligations, and stops you from living for yourself. Though it's not as bad as having children. When people have children, their own lives are starting to end. It's part of nature. After inseminating, the male dies knowing he lives on in his genes in his child. The mothers are expected to sacrifice for their children. For goodness' sake, it's an instinctual thing. All mothers would do anything for their child. In a way, she stops living... for herself, and only lives on for the child.
I see myself surrounded by kind and good friends and people. I don't care what I've given, because I know I would have benefited many many in many ways. A life of beauty and gentle love, for me.

Respecting the Law of Exchange

Recently, a friend of mine was looking for a pianist to be accompanist for his new play. It was a low-budget production, but with an artists' pride. We would never want a show to become lousy just because of the budget. There was little incentive for my pianist friend to take on the project - the pay would not even be enough for transport, let alone to reimburse the lessons he'd have to cancel just to make the rehearsals. The director later said that he doesn't want to work with people who have their mind on money.

I believe the director has failed to understand something very important. This project was his. He wrote the script, and his name would appear on the programme, and he will get the credit. The composer will get credit too. The actors will get credits. These are the people that the audience watching the show would want to know about. Few people would even read the name under Accompanist. So what's in it for my pianist friend? The chance to work with the composer, who was well-established in the contemporary music field. Only that these sessions would be limited to 1 or 2. As I said, the money would not even cover the transport.

As the saying goes, when you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. My pianist friend may not be famous yet, but he's got great technical ability, performing experience and earns well as a piano teacher.

I respect the law of exchange. When you give something, you must take something back. I recently accepted (and completed) a project which budget was only a quarter of my last. Why did I do it? It was a great script, it had strong actors, it was a well-established theatre company, I knew the director well, and I haven't had a job for 2 months. In a way, the other 3/4 of my payment would be in publicity for myself as a sound designer and composer. I'm usually very wary of projects that paid little, because people would assume you're cheap, and treat you as such. But I had great pleasure working with this group. While I would definitely like to be paid more, I would say that this discount was worth it. I got to meet many people, some who were potential clients, and some who were potential friends and lovers. Andrew? hahahha....

So this is what I believe the director mentioned in the first section of this blog didn't understand. He knew the money wasn't enough, but he wouldn't know or cared how else the pianist would benefit. Well, as I already said, when you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Yes, you might also be able to get young pianists who would do anything for exposure.
But I must clarify this. We music people (me and my pianist friend), and artists (me and my artist friends) are by no means mecenary sort. There is a balance which must be kept if we want to work happily together. This balance would hopefully help keep the bank accounts in balance, but that's secondary, to me anyway. It's important to understand and be happy with the working conditions, before we agree to take on the job. Otherwise, the whole production could be jeopardised by ill feelings.