Frustration again

Frustration. I'm irked, though mildly this time round by Matthew again. I was mildly irritated, now I recall the pattern. He'd ask me to do something for him, and then turn around and accuse me of this and that. Like that time he asked me to find out about O's sterilization. So when I have done that, I mentioned it in the Car when PO's around, and they both disagreed, and told me not to do it. I don't understand, He told me to do it, I do it, and now I'm the one who wanted to do it?

Then Yesterday, while doing Christmas Shopping. I told him he should check the photo frames. He told me to check, and I found a bad scratch on it. I was angered that the shop will sell defective products (and mind you, they were $20-30 each), and that they were unapologetic. They pretty much just let me do the check =ing there by myself. And Matthew comes, and says it alright, that I'm going overboard.

Hello? Who am I doing this for anyway? You can't just turn around and tell me it's alright, when you told me to check, and you didn't take a closer look yourself. You have disregarded my opinion, and you should not have bothered me to look for imperfections in the first place.

What I hate about it is, it seem that he had totaly forgotten, that he was the one who asked me to check them.

I'm not going to help him anymore. Not only does he not appreciate it, he'll turn around and accuse you of being fussy.

Being attached to T is no fun. He goes around telling people we're attached, and I don't even believe he can see me for who I am. All these love-dovey words, they are all empty, recitations from his fantasy. I believe he's subconsciously creating opportunities at conflict by being late for every appointment. Let
s get this straight, being late once in a while is ok, but being late ALL the time, though a small thing, is a BIG issue. It's the basic respect for somebody else's time. And if you decide to stay home because of the rain, don't turn around and say you miss me. It's your own doing.

If you decide to meet someone else instead, that's fine. But don't say that you miss me. It sounds like you're always complaining that we're not spending enough time together, and that's because to your decision to do something else besides meeting up.

That day at BL, could have been the last straw, perhaps for the week or 2, or perhaps for the relationship. I don't see why you think it's funny that you decided at stay home and wait for me to arrive at the venue, before telling me you'd prefer to meet at the second venue, and wait for me there. I half expected to get lost, and so I said that if I didn't find it, we'd meet another day. That was a half-ultimatum from me already. Another day, could be another year later. I don't like to feel agitated everytime before we meet. This relationship is bringing me more frustration than sweet happiness, and I don't need that.

As expected, I went to the wrong place.

And you're still messaging me "dear, hugs, I love you... " you you even see yourself? You can't see me, you only see what you think you see in an imaginary relationship that you're creating. You only see yourself getting hurt by someone older and more powerful, and you want to be the victim. You want to have that sweet romance, and you want to experience that bitterness of being given the cold treatment, and the realisation that the other party does not care about you. I feel that you're forcing me to do all this. That's why I'm saying, you don't see me.

You don't see me, you don't see me, you don't see me.

  

 
 
 
  

  

When people don't love themselves

I hurt when I witness people doing things that hurt themselves. Smoking, drinking... It's as if they feel they don't deserve any better, that they deserve to hurt, to fall sick and die of disease. Why do people punish themselves this way? I'm no saint, I too hurt myself at times, I just believe I know what I'm doing. Sometimes, pain is the way to a deeper understanding of life. But sometimes, it becomes addictive, in the battle for attention, self-victimisation, people begin to believe that that's the end of the search. I find it hard to witness self-abuse, no matter how self-justified... it hurts me, a deep aching dull pain in the chest. When I see a wretched person, people who let themselves wallow, and believe it is their end... I hurt. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
I want to live in greater awareness. I want to actualise my dreams and fantasies. I want to have lots of money, and financial stability. I want to be able to help others live in beauty, and compassion. I want it all, not just for myself... but these material things will help me help others. How else am I to be, if I were to lead by example? Yet, my will is strong when I'm alone. Could a lover really be the answer?

Today, Jason asked why I don't "look" for a partner. I didn't know how to answer. I usually have an answer for these questions. But for that moment, I didn't know why I don't look. Thinking back, I must be too afraid of rejection. I must have convinced myself somewhere in the past that I deserve to be alone and without a lover. But it's not that I do not fabtasize about having one... just that he must be nice to look at, intelligent, with the japanese str8 boy appeal that I'd grown so accustomed to. I find myself finding people I used to find attractive, no longer attractive as I find out about their other traits, their thought process. Sometimes I worry we may have bad company. They all seemed so innocent, but I no longer think they really are. Maybe I really don't know what i really want. When Will is here, I didn't like it that much. I'm not comfortable with some aspects of his looks and dressing. In fact, he has the body and dressed like a bitchy person I used to dislike. That person was bitter and nasty. Though Will hasn't shown that side, I can't help seeing those traits in his body and dress sense. But it's nice to have someone care for you. Made me feel like I was precious, like when Jermyn was nice to me. It scares me to think I might be entering a long-term partnership with another person that I'm not fully comfortable with. I'm just too afraid to make my choices, and make mistakes.
What I had envisioned is myself living beautifully, living a beautiful life with beautiful friends. But I often see myself alone, like in the 10 of pentacles. I am the one who is blissed, and blissed even when alone. I see relationships as a kind of shackle. It chains you to obligations, and stops you from living for yourself. Though it's not as bad as having children. When people have children, their own lives are starting to end. It's part of nature. After inseminating, the male dies knowing he lives on in his genes in his child. The mothers are expected to sacrifice for their children. For goodness' sake, it's an instinctual thing. All mothers would do anything for their child. In a way, she stops living... for herself, and only lives on for the child.
I see myself surrounded by kind and good friends and people. I don't care what I've given, because I know I would have benefited many many in many ways. A life of beauty and gentle love, for me.

Respecting the Law of Exchange

Recently, a friend of mine was looking for a pianist to be accompanist for his new play. It was a low-budget production, but with an artists' pride. We would never want a show to become lousy just because of the budget. There was little incentive for my pianist friend to take on the project - the pay would not even be enough for transport, let alone to reimburse the lessons he'd have to cancel just to make the rehearsals. The director later said that he doesn't want to work with people who have their mind on money.

I believe the director has failed to understand something very important. This project was his. He wrote the script, and his name would appear on the programme, and he will get the credit. The composer will get credit too. The actors will get credits. These are the people that the audience watching the show would want to know about. Few people would even read the name under Accompanist. So what's in it for my pianist friend? The chance to work with the composer, who was well-established in the contemporary music field. Only that these sessions would be limited to 1 or 2. As I said, the money would not even cover the transport.

As the saying goes, when you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. My pianist friend may not be famous yet, but he's got great technical ability, performing experience and earns well as a piano teacher.

I respect the law of exchange. When you give something, you must take something back. I recently accepted (and completed) a project which budget was only a quarter of my last. Why did I do it? It was a great script, it had strong actors, it was a well-established theatre company, I knew the director well, and I haven't had a job for 2 months. In a way, the other 3/4 of my payment would be in publicity for myself as a sound designer and composer. I'm usually very wary of projects that paid little, because people would assume you're cheap, and treat you as such. But I had great pleasure working with this group. While I would definitely like to be paid more, I would say that this discount was worth it. I got to meet many people, some who were potential clients, and some who were potential friends and lovers. Andrew? hahahha....

So this is what I believe the director mentioned in the first section of this blog didn't understand. He knew the money wasn't enough, but he wouldn't know or cared how else the pianist would benefit. Well, as I already said, when you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Yes, you might also be able to get young pianists who would do anything for exposure.
But I must clarify this. We music people (me and my pianist friend), and artists (me and my artist friends) are by no means mecenary sort. There is a balance which must be kept if we want to work happily together. This balance would hopefully help keep the bank accounts in balance, but that's secondary, to me anyway. It's important to understand and be happy with the working conditions, before we agree to take on the job. Otherwise, the whole production could be jeopardised by ill feelings.

The birthday week

was not nice. Things didn't go my way, probably because I was already feeling out of sorts after CTC didn't call back for the film assignment. To add to that, Matthew has made me irritated once again. No doubt, he was busy, but that expectation that I would be ok with his curt reasoning, and expectation of me being free, and so would be there to help him... I felt disrespected. Adrian wasn't there to celebrate my birthday... he didn't know, but I took this as a sign. One of the last straws was the swatch strap that got ruined because the woman at the shop didn't quite know how to put in two piece to the strap. On my birthday, I went to the shop, already prepared to get angry, but also prepared to forgive.

So my lesson on this birthday this year, is forgiveness. I must remember my task, and this is one big strong knock on my head from destiny. I choose to forgive the swatch woman, because she was sincere. Even if that anger took several days to subside, that watch is now a reminder to mindfulness.

I also wasn't sure if this miserable depression was chemical, I don't remember feeling this awful for a long time. I felt dejected, unwanted and useless. I had no job, my money was running out, and Adrian's a big part in bringing to surface these feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and inefficiency. Why am I, a 33 year old still riding busses while this 28 year old is driving? Why do I have to rethink and rethink my option when I'm interested to buy those sample libraries and softwares? I felt poor. If I had gone out with anyone else except Adrian, I would have been an energy-drainer. I can't be that. So I spent my birthday alone, except that I was home, my mother and sis were at home, but I was irritated by them too... I pretty much spent the whole day locked in my room. And yes, I rejected Matthew's calls because I didn't want to talk to him. When I think of him, I can't help but imagine what the heck he sometimes takes me for. It's starting to seem clearer to me, that he doesn't respect me. I have chosen to swallow these, and consume these as my way of accepting people, and offering my love and service. That's my birthday lesson, eat it up, forgive them for their bad judgments, be humble and I should see the beauty arise from them afterwards.
I am getting stronger, at the same time, I feel like I need some new friends yet again. I don't wish to be stuck with people who don't respect me, and lie. I also need more discipline. My life's personal projects have been littered with projects half-done. Now I'm 33, I desire material stability. I want incredible things to happen. I want to fulfill my responsibilities and reap my rewards. Let me be strong.
It still hurts when I think of those who belittle me, or how things don't work the way I expect them to. Let me recover and understand them and myself. Let me be strong. And rich, affluent, beautiful... Let me be those, and let those join me to show me the path. I need some inspiration.

Of people I dun like

Perhaps, if I studied the people I don't like, I might be able to discover the flaws I perceive within myself, and love myself more.
I dun like Dan, for his attitude towards life. His lips are usually upturned, and talks with disgust about trans-fat, calories and whatever shit. More so than the way I would talk about meat. Although, I have gone that route before, and I know he's proud of it, and wants everyone to share the benefits of eating "right", I have discovered that western diet logic isn't always good for you. Remember the times they all said salt was bad, and advocated a salt-free diet? Or the time when they insisted the oral contraceptive was safe, leading to the cases of birth defects and other horrors? Or that cancer is only curable with radio-therapy? The radio killed the people along with the cancer. Although they were all done in good faith, they didn't necesarily have the right understand and respect for the body. Using measures we understand to explain the things we don't understand is silly. "Experts" are only so, by the limited understanding of our ever-evolving knowledge of science. How can we place so much faith in someone else's diagnosis, if our inner logic says otherwise?

I don't like old people who try too look young. Perhaps I'm guilty of that. Luckily, I'm not fat, and I don't bother with getting attention. I don't bother about people not noticing me, but I am bothered when I'm taken advantage of because I'm perceive to be too nice and easy.

I like people who are genuinely nice to me. Sometimes though, I'm not sure. For my heart tells me to be wary of some people, not so much in the sense that they'll harm me, but in that they won't hesitate to take advantage of me. While that statement's not true, what I'm trying to say is their disregard for dignity - their own and the respect for others. Unfortunately, I feel that way about Jon. I know he's nice, just that I also feel that he won't hesitate to take advantage of me for his own advantage. That's why I don't listen much to him, but I still do care for him.

It's cynical of me to say that. These days, I don't have much trust in people anymore. Like the character in TV said, we don't have to desire for anything, just to appreciate what we have now. I suppose in a way, that makes me like Jon, my mirroring of what I feel about him. Everything's temporary. I wonder how I'll feel towards him after we had had sex. How that'll change how we both feel. I kinda like the feeling of him feeling emotionally dependent on me, but still strong enough to stand on his own.

I don't like fat people who carry all the sadness with them. I can see it in their eyes and gait. They don't feel good about themselves, and are always looking for people to make them like themselves. Even then, they'll insist that people don't like them, so that they can be "right" and suffer more. Then they'll have a much better story to tell others.

That's not fair of me. I too am guilty of that. But I'm not fat.

Personally I'm suspicious of sales people and people whose work are related sales. I always have this idea that they're not truthful, from my experience working in Tangs so many years ago wgen I was just 16. The sales promoters lie just to get the sale. I couldn't lie, wouldn't lie. The thought of me doing that makes me feel sick, sick. I have lied before. Lies that are meant to take advantage of others is simply wrong.

When someone lies to me, the person will become 2nd class to me. Though I still remain sincere to them when they're around, and treat them like my close friends, I would find it easier to let them go than others.

Thank you

I wish to say thank you, to God for bringing me the wonderful experience of being together with such talented and beautiful people the past week. Though we had only met only 3 days Thurs to Sat, I feel like I've fallen in love with them all. So much, that it feels sad that they all had to leave this (yesterday Sun morning) morning to Hong Kong. Talking with them, even though the language was limited, I could feel their passion, willpower, preserverance and hardworking attitudes. They were all proud of themselves and their work, and yet humble and open at the same time. They were beautiful, because I see in them, the courage I wanted to possess, to preservere against odds.
I feel a sense of loss, sad, that they've gone off. Today's been sentimental. I especially liked Chung YS the Korean, and MK. Sun CT was a funny guy. He has great vision, he just needs that little bit more courage to truly break through the culture of dominance. I'd be happy for him if he does do that, to leave TW for a while, so he could break free. Otherwise I fear he could become bitter.
I'm afraid it's also partially because they're male, nice-looking, very youthful looking and mature at 30 years old. They look like they're around 22-24, and that's the type like. They're also str8, both CT and YS, I guess so for MK. He said he lives with his partner.

So I could be shallow for liking them because they're cute. I'm not sure if that's the reason. But I was really really happy to have had the opportunity to spend time with them.

How I wish to spend more time with them, travel with them. I'm already this sentimental after 3 days. I can't imagine what could happen if we were to spend 4 weeks together. I might find them annoying? hahaa...

They're str8. I'm such a paradox.

Ok. Say that I like them because of their artistic merits, their humility and gentleness. I love them I love them... It makes me delirious. The past few days had this surreal quality, and dreamlike. It felt like I was in another country, but I was able to entertain them and ask them questions. I was genuinely interested in them and their lives in their own countries. Because they were often quiet and reserved, I might have seemed too friendly in wanting them to feel at ease. The thing is, since I'm INFP, it's really odd that I had been behaving so socially-at ease these past few days.

I don't know, I feel, maybe, that their energy and positive attitudes have rubbed onto me. Or I have influenced them, such that the whole group became more relaxed. I miss them, quite terribly, for people I've only known for 3 days. Maybe it was the drinking. I had really pushed my alcohol intake those nights after rehearsals and shows. I miss them so much, it feels like I've just ended a relationship, I feel like crying. This might seem like a borrowed encounter, for I was not planned to be in the picture, not to even have met and communicated with them. That's why I'm so thankful... thankful thankful... I want more... I want to collaborate with them! I want to travel with them... go shopping with them... and secretly want to hug them to sleep... hahaa
YS is a warm person. He held my hand in Harry's. He looked into my eyes when we talked, and when we didn't talk. He's very reassuring.
MK is a bit more reserved. I suspect he fears the homosexual in me. or not...
..............