Negativity, emptiness, loss, fear, fear, stagnation, indecisiveness

I know I have a bright future. I know I have gifts. I know I need to use them to spread the message. But creating a path for myself is not easy. Where are the signs? What kind of path do I really want? Does it really matter which path, as long as the destination is clear? I think the answer is no.

How can I go forth, when I don't know my path? How do I know that what crosses me, is a lesson I must learn and accept, or something I must fight and change?

Am I crystal? That I reflect people I meet, both visible and hidden? Is that why I don't behave the same way around different people? It confuses me, that I don't seem to know who I am when I'm alone. I crave for solitude so often, yet I crave for company when I'm tired and bored. Why do I feel so tired when there are so many people?

Is this really the "Dark Night of the Soul" that'll last till 2008? It seems I've been experiencing this for a long time.

I had abused my friend's dog. I was once an advocate of kindness to pets, as so many texts say that's the only way to teach and train animals. Unfortunately, it didn't work. I had to resort, first to loud reprimanding, then to spanking, then to scolding, then to wacking. It was so painful, it drove me to tears. What kind of a person am I? The wacking and scolding got me mad, and affected my life. Sounds kind of severe, but I could not look at things with as much compassion as I could before. That also came with guilt, that hangs above you at all times. I now see and know, that violence is in me.

I want company. I want sincere and honest friends who keep me in balance. I'm tired of having to keep company someone who's afraid of lineliness, for he doesn't give me energy in return. All he wants is to be seen with company, whether or not he pays attention. He's so unaware that it drains me, when the energy I send out are constantly lost. Either that, or he doesn't really care, unless I tell him again,after which he'll probably forget again. Why must I lose my temper or faith to have people start listening seriously?

I value integrity, truthfulness and sincerity so much. But what if I'm to collaborate on something I don't agree with? My values are on the line. How can I support that which is right for the world, be true to myself, honest and yet be successful?
I abhor it when people say things they don't mean just to get on the good side. They lie in front of others, and have no guilt. They can defend their actions, that it's the only way to live. Luckily, or unluckily, I can sense such people with poor values (they hate themselves) and stay away from them. Unluckily, because I become isolated from most of the world's population. As such, I have so few friends.

It's sometimes quite terrible that I have access to all the answers to all the questions I have. Because, I fear. You know, it's so easy to analyse someone else's life and problems. But our own?

What I want in my friends... Pleasant looks, manners, courtesy, honesty, ease, empathy, insight, Integrity and Honour, adaptability...